5/24/2017

Government of the Sick Fucks, by the Sick Fucks, and for the Sick Fucks (Part 1: Of)

There is a genre of news story lately that has gotten old really damn fast. It's the "Hey, here's a fucking dumbass who voted for Trump and is now gonna be fucked by him" variety. Essentially, a diligent reporter goes to some shitty place, finds one or more of the aforementioned dumbasses, and gets them to say something along the lines of "Well, Trump's budget and health care plan will leave me dying of cancer in a ditch while my Congress member pisses on me, but I still support my president."

For instance, on CNN, we meet Barbara Puckett of Beattyville, Kentucky, which is the deepest shithole for white people in the nation. Puckett's got sclerosis and is on Social Security disability and food stamps, both of which are on the cutting board in Donald Trump's savage budget. But she's not abandoning her man: ""I am still happy with President Trump," she said.

AP reporters headed out across the country to talk to a spectrum of people, from white idiots in New York to white morons in Georgia to white dolts in Iowa. They all agree that they couldn't give a happy monkey fuck about the stories about Trump and Russia. It's all lies or bullshit, they say. Or you just ignore it, as one Staten Island hairdresser said, "I didn’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to feel that he’s not doing what he said, so I just choose to not listen." A college student there offered his support by saying, "If you’re wishing for him to fail, you’re basically wishing for the pilot of the plane to crash." To which one could point out that if the pilot doesn't know how to fly the plane, all the wishing in the world ain't gonna help you.

(To be vaguely fair, one of the Staten Islanders did get off a decent joke. When asked if anything could turn him against Trump, a man replied, "If he gases his own people, yeah, I would be against him," which, c'mon, is kind of funny. Well, until Trump starts gassing Brooklyn.)

Back in April, Nicholas Kristof wrote about a whole bunch of Americans who will suffer if even a fraction of Trump's budget were to be passed (which, let's face it, is the goal in putting out such a nut-punchingly vicious document). They include a 70-year-old woman in Tulsa, Oklahoma, who is dependent on a job from the Senior Community Service Employment Program, which Trump has proposed slashing. She voted for the president because "he was talking about getting rid of those illegals," of course. If the program is cut, she said, "I’ll sit home and die."

But like almost everyone in these stories, she says she would vote for Trump in 2020. That's just sick. These are sick fucks who don't care if the god they worship wants to kill them.

The best mark in a con is the kind who doesn't believe they've been conned, even when the con is revealed. Either they are so embarrassed that it's easier just to double down on the delusion or they're that fucking stupid. And, in the end, it doesn't matter because they'll line up to be fleeced again.

Another genre of news story is of the wishful thinking variety. They say things like "Trump's Budget Cuts Target His Voters" or "Wait Until Trump's Supporters See the Size of the Dildo He's Fucking Them With" or "Man, Grandpa's Gonna Be Mad When He Catches Trump Stabbing His Grandkids." And they all posit a fantasy that Trump will cross some line, be it with health care or other cuts, or even in his canoodling with Russia, that will make his followers turn against him.

It's the same sort of hoping without any evidence that got us Trump in the first place. I've said it before: Fuck the dumbasses. The hell with the sick fucks. Don't court them. Don't count on them. Build up the outreach to the people who didn't vote. And then get elected and pass programs that help the dumbasses and everyone else.

5/23/2017

Trump Abroad: Let's Hear It for the Rainbow Tour

Unlike your run-o'-the-mill members of the punditocracy, I refuse to pretend that I know shit that I know I don't know. I'm not gonna dissect the ins and outs of Brexit or the upcoming German election because fuck if I understand it. I comprehend a little bit about the distinctions between Sunni Muslims and Shiite Muslims, but no one's inviting me onto the BBC to answer questions, thank Allah.

However, I do know fucked up. And it's pretty fucked up that the United States has gone from supporting the Sunni with Saddam Hussein to supporting the Shiite in ousting Saddam Hussein and shitcanning all the Sunni in Iraq to supporting the Sunni because fuck those Shiite Iranians and let's ignore the fact that ISIS is Sunni. That was one of the gists of President Donald Trump's sleepy maunder of a speech in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Shit's complicated, man, shit's complicated. That's why you don't take a side in a 1000-year battle that you don't understand.

The once-mighty criticizer of Saudi Arabia was a bowing, curtsying little bitch, continuing Trump's pattern of folding like a dog, as he might say, whenever he's in the presence of a world leader whose country he's shit on. He was blowing the Saudi leaders like a desperate old porn star trying to prove that he's still got what it takes. And that just scratches the surface of the bullshit contradictions within the speech itself, as well as the mind-boggling array of flip-flops.

For instance, Trump said, "We are not here to lecture — we are not here to tell other people how to live, what to do, who to be, or how to worship." Essentially, that's the President of the United States telling a bunch of corrupt, murderous, terrorist-supporting, women-abusing, gay-murdering theocrats that "It's all good, babe." Meanwhile, further on in the speech, Trump specifically did lecture Iran on how to live, etc. "The Iranian regime's longest-suffering victims are its own people. Iran has a rich history and culture, but the people of Iran have endured hardship and despair under their leaders' reckless pursuit of conflict and terror," he said, apparently willing to overlook the hardship and despair of a good chunk of the Saudi population, as well as Iran's implicit desire to liberalize and open up (even if the religious leaders there are holding it back).

Trump also remarked, "Among Iran's most tragic and destabilizing interventions have been in Syria," and, well, okay, but, you know, the Saudis have been bombing the shit out of Yemen and the arms deal Trump just made guarantees more misery.

It's not that President Obama didn't make arms deals with Saudi Arabia, with negotiation assistance from Hillary Clinton. It's not that the Clinton Foundation didn't take money from Saudi Arabia. It's that Trump made a big goddamn show of how he was going to be different, and he's not. He's just a pathetic suck-up, only wanting to trash the progress made in Iran out of his continuing spite against Obama, not out of any real understanding or even interest in the region beyond whether Turkey or Jordan will approve the next Trump building. Shit, Iranian President Rouhani should tell Ivanka that they can build a hotel in Tehran.

If you go from stating "I think Islam hates us" to praising the religion effusively, as Trump did, you are admitting that either you didn't know shit about what you were talking, the very shit that got you elected, and now you know better. Or you're just a capricious dick, willing to say nice things to whomever is putting a gold necklace around your bowed head. Or you're Donald Trump, and you're both, covered in a special spice of not even caring.

To put this simply, Trump lied to the dear, dumb, racist Trump voters, and he was never the great warrior for Christian white supremacy that they hoped he'd be. He was just a liar who seems to be trying to get us into a war with Iran for no good reason.

On to Israel, where he just finished sucking some cut cock while trying to make amends for dicking over that nation's intelligence service by outing a source to the Russians. In another bargain-basement discount speech, Trump said, "Making peace will not be easy. We all know that. Both sides will face tough decisions. But with determination, compromise on both sides, and the belief that peace is possible, Israelis and Palestinians can make a deal." And that sounds good, if dumb. But just remember, as many have learned: If you make a deal with Trump, you will get stiffed when the bill comes due.

And then he said the perpetrators (if there is more than one) of the terrible Manchester bombing are "evil losers," saying they'd want to be called "monsters." Sure, that'll make the suicide bombers of the future think twice: "Wait, am I an evil loser? I wanted to be a monster."

Now to Rome, and he can brag that he hit some kind of trifecta of faith. Don't tell him that there are more Hindus and Buddhists in the world than Jews. Those are facts, and why bother with them now.

(The "Rainbow Tour" up there in the title is a reference to a song from the musical Evita.)


5/19/2017

Dead Pestilence: A Word or Two on Roger Ailes

I hope Roger Ailes died screaming. I hope he felt every sensation of pain from the subdural hematoma he suffered; I hope that the shocks wracked his worn-out sack of a body. I hope that, in the throes of that pain, he realized he was dying and he cried out that he wanted to come back, that he didn’t want his last act on earth to have been his dismissal as a lecher and a rapist. I hope he died screaming.

Roger Ailes was a rabid swine, barreling through the fertile cornfields of America and devouring everything in his path, animal, mineral, or vegetable, and then shitting it out as a foamy diarrhea that was lapped up by the rats and roaches that followed his destructive path. Nearly every phase of his too-long life was one betrayal of truth and rationality after another, each one crueler and more harmful than the last. From inflicting upon us Nixon and Reagan and a pair of Bushes and Trump to his creation of Fox News, as insidious a propaganda wing as has ever been devised, each time Ailes one-upped himself in action, staying true to his view of power as being only for the powerful and that power needed to be forced upon the powerless like a fat male executive telling a female employee that the only way to get ahead was to fuck him. And Ailes did that repeatedly to the women who encountered him.

Every chance that Ailes had, he took embers and blew them into infernos with his stinking, wheezing breath. He worked for Nixon and took Tricky Dick's hatred of the media and made it flesh. He worked for Reagan and taught the Gipper that facts were the enemy. He worked for Bush, Sr. and conspired with Lee Atwater to bury Michael Dukakis in the the mud and shit. Fox News came along shortly before the Bill Clinton impeachment nightmare, and Ailes made sure that the United States had to be dragged through it because it was ratings gold, pushing any crazed conspiracy that could take a blow job and turn it into a national crisis. After that, Fox News under Ailes essentially set the nation's agenda, along with his fellow bloated garbage bag, Rush Limbaugh. And a good chunk of the nation went gone along, drinking his Kool-Aid like it was piss from Jesus, finding comfort in the madness that Fox and its children like Breitbart present. The rest of the media began to take its cues from Fox because they allowed Fox to call the tunes.

Ailes wanted to debase anyone who didn't bow down to him and his corrupt, materialistic ideology, and the odious Rupert Murdoch gave Ailes Fox as his vehicle for vengeance. Ask Hillary Clinton, who has been Ailes's victim for the longest period. Ask the family of George Tiller, the doctor who performed abortions and was gunned down by someone deluded by Fox's stars, the depraved O'Reilly, the revolting Hannity. Ask Gary Condit, the Democratic congressman whose non-involvement in the death of an intern was the focus of Fox's monomania before 9/11 blew that off the front page. Ask the families of the soldiers who died in Iraq, a war that Fox demanded be fought lest politicians want to be tarred as unAmerican. Ask John Kerry, a war hero who was demeaned by the ludicrous and false allegations of the Swift Boat Vets, lies pushed endlessly by Fox, until he lost the presidential race.

And Ailes would make sure that the conservative version of any issue was given prominence. So science and authority had to be derided, as with Fox's support for climate change denialism. So protesters marching against police or war had to be demonized and the Tea Party fucknuts had to be lionized because they were valiant patriots standing up to the authoritarian Barack Obama. The lies that Ailes spun formed a cocoon around the minds of millions.

From the right and even from the left, you're hearing about what a good guy Ailes could be, how he was a great party guest and "raconteur." Goddamn, I'm sick of hearing how terrible human beings can be great hangs. It's a despicable way to judge a person with power. You judge them by how they use their power. So who the fuck cares if George W. Bush is a fun guy? Who the fuck cares if Donald Trump can be charming?

Roger Ailes was a sentient dumpster filled with heaps of lies and an enormous appetite for control. We shouldn't give a single mouse shit about how he could tell a funny story about Mike Douglas. The guy bought his hometown newspaper, warped it to suit his beliefs, and then had the employees spied on because he thought they might be saying mean things about him. He was a racist, sexist, xenophobic slug who sexually assaulted multiple women. Fuck that Jabba the Hutt-looking motherfucker. We should all be thrilled that he doesn't infect the earth he helped ruin anymore.

Down in Hell, Ailes thought he might be able to make a deal with Satan. "Listen, Lucifer, buddy, you've got some PR problems. Lemme make one or two ghost visits to Steve Doocy. I promise you that we'll get you some solid Q ratings," he told the Devil. Satan didn't care because, well, he's Satan. So he locked Ailes in a red room surrounded by windows. On the other side of the windows were women. At least he thought they were women but he couldn't be entirely sure because their backs were to him. He tried to talk to them, to charm them, to threaten them, anything to get them to turn around, to look at him, to listen to him. They did not. Then, above him, a drip started, just a drop at a time. He didn't even see it until it had formed a tiny puddle on the floor. Ailes realized it was shit.

And he realized there was no drain.

And he realized that he could only watch as it slowly, agonizingly, began to pool.

5/17/2017

Republicans Wanted to Impeach Obama Over Something, Anything, But Avoid It for Trump

In 2013, then-Senator Tom Coburn mused at a town hall meeting, "I don’t have the legal background to know if that rises to ‘high crimes and misdemeanors,’ but I think you’re getting perilously close." Coburn, a Republican (obviously) brought up impeachment of President Obama as a possible response to unspecified things that Obama had done. Mostly, presidenting while black, but probably Coburn would have said, "Something, something, something, immigrants."

Around the same time, Republican Representative Blake Farenthold, 100 pounds of shit in a fifty pound bag from Fuck If I Care, Texas, told his constituents, who totally believed that Obama was born in Africa, "If we were to impeach the president tomorrow, we would probably get the votes in the House of Representatives to do it." Walking cold sore Ted Cruz bemoaned to a bunch of his drooling maniacs, "To successfully impeach a president you need the votes in the U.S. Senate." Neither Farenthold nor Cruz, in course of making Texas even dumber, gave any grounds for impeachment, just a general sense of something not right (see above, "presidenting while black").

In 2013 and 2014, the Tea Party plague rats kept demanding to know why that goddamn Muslim Kenyan who was making us all into healthy gay Communists wasn't being impeached. And their members of Congress were more than willing to indulge their idiot fantasy for a few whoops at rallies and a bunch of votes.

At least pubic hair-topped Rep. Jason Chaffetz wanted to impeach Obama for a reason: the attack on the American consulate in Benghazi, Libya (which, as you know, was worse than 100 9/11s times a dozen Pearl Harbors). And skeevy shitworm Steve King was hyped to impeach over Obama not being a complete dick to undocumented immigrant kids.

There's a fuckin' Wikipedia page devoted to all the reasons why Republicans talked about impeaching Obama, eight years worth. And not a goddamned one of them rises to the level of a single thing Donald Trump has done in the last four months.

A couple of Republicans are hinting at being open to impeachment. But the best representation of the cowardice and cravenness that is the GOP right now is that the Republicans in the House just blocked a vote on establishing an independent commission to investigate Russia's interference in the 2016 election.

It's not just hypocrisy by many of the same Republicans who wanted to lynch Obama for every fake scandal they could conjure. Now, with Trump, they are likely aiding and abetting a pile of high crimes and a shit load of misdemeanors.

5/16/2017

Trump Bumbles His Way to Malevolence

One movie line that I keep seeing as a way of defining the nihilistic, ego-driven politics of Donald Trump is from The Dark Knight, when Alfred says to Bruce Wayne, "Some men just want to watch the world burn." But I'd go with a different line from the same movie, when the Joker, dressed in a nurse's outfit, says to a maimed Harvey Dent, "Do I really look like a guy with a plan?"

There are a lot of things you can say against the administration of George W. Bush, and we should never forget them. We should never forget that they lied us into war. We should never forget the utter failure of the federal government to help Americans after Hurricane Katrina. We should never forget the policies that brought us to the brink of financial ruin. As terrible as Donald Trump is, let us not lose sight of how catastrophic Bush was.

If nothing else, though, you could say that the Bush administration was operating under a coherent ideology. It might have been a worthless, corrupt, and utterly false ideology. But there were guiding principles - the spread of democracy, trickle-down economics, and privatization of the government. The actions of President Bush did damage to the nation that will likely take generations to recover from. Still, you can't fault him for not having a philosophy of governance (or at least Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove, et al had a philosophy and Bush just went along for the ride).

As Trump bumbles along, lost in his dementia cloud, blown aloft by yes-men and yes-women, he is simply going with his gut, not caring who he angers or betrays or offends, thinking that his every action must be innately awesome because he has been told, unendingly, that he is awesome. His gut, he told his slavering idiot hordes, made him a rich man (ignoring that having a rich father made him a rich man). And those hordes believed him and most still believe him to this day.

But going with your gut is not a plan. There is no control. There is no grand ideology. There is merely Trump. And, obviously, whatever Trump thinks in the moment is correct and, if you're in his administration, you agree and support it or you're gone. Yet, perhaps for the first time in his life, Trump is facing an opposing force that doesn't leap at his whims. And he's so dumb that he probably really thought that the president is like a CEO.

The pattern of Trump's capricious actions in the first part of his presidency is pretty consistent: What will make him look good in the moment? Got the Chinese president at your party house for dinner? Brag about bombing Syria over dessert. Hanging out with a pair of Russian officials? Show that you have the best intelligence (even if it's actually Israeli intelligence), secrecy, classification, and identity of the source be damned. It was the pathetic action of a man who could never make his father proud (if we're opening the nickel-therapy booth here).

As for his behavior with former FBI director James Comey, it now seems likely that Trump fired Comey because he felt chastened when Comey wouldn't give in to his good-buddy cajoling and lay off Michael Flynn. Trump doesn't like to be denied and doesn't like to lose control. And he had with Flynn and the Russia investigation.

The only thing working in Trump's favor right now is that Republicans aren't scared enough to care enough to act on all this. Oh, they make little noises about caring, but mostly, Trump has a party of willfully blind parasites that won't check or balance him. It's depressing because we don't expect anything more from Republicans. We knew they were going to catch Trump and push him back up like a group of Pizza Hut employees on a forced team-building exercise of trust falls.

We are in a pattern right now where each day will bring a new revelation of some new action by Trump that pushes into impeachable, if not traitorous, behavior. Each day we await some Republican to take the key that they have to unlock their handcuffs and do something about it. We can't take it. As a nation, as individuals, as communities, this is taking a terrible toll on us. It's like we're in some cruel psychological experiment where we see how much crisis we can take before we break.

There is no plan. There is no ideology. Trump's utter incompetence and unabashed ignorance is a kind of malevolence, especially if it's aided by a congress of co-conspirators who do, in fact, know better.

(Wouldn't it be crazy if Jason Chaffetz actually becomes the hero here on his way out to the big Fox money?)

5/15/2017

Trump Administration Expands Cruel Anti-Abortion Gag Rule Bigly

Often, the worst fuckery occurs where you're not even sure the type of fuckery that's happening. So it is with a statement today from the Department of State (motto: "One world under Exxon") announcing a massive expansion of the Reagan-era "Mexico City Policy" in language that seems to hide its true intent. The bullshit "policy" already "blocks international family planning assistance through the U.S. Agency for International Development to any groups or programs that provide or even mention abortions to women, or speak out about abortion laws in their own countries."

But that wasn't fucked up enough for the ferocious fetus fellaters of the right, who are drooling in anticipation of stacking up the corpses of women like firewood. So now we're getting the "Protecting Life in Global Health Assistance" plan. And if you thought the U.S. government preventing any mention of abortion in $600 million worth of programs, wait'll you see how much damage can be done with $8.8 billion in support for foreign non-governmental organizations.

In the press release, the State Department defines "global health assistance" as "funding for international health programs, such as those for HIV/AIDS, maternal and child health, malaria, global health security, and family planning and reproductive health." You got that? It means that if a pregnant woman in Angola with Zika is told by the nurse at an NGO that her fetus has been impacted by the disease and the NGO receives funds from USAID, that nurse can't even wink and say, "How about a schmabortion?"

Is that juvenile and kind of dumb? Well, so's the fuckin' policy. And so's the press release because you know what word is not in the whole document announcing a savagely backwards policy on abortion as medical necessity? Abortion. It doesn't fucking mention "abortion" once, so it sounds like a bland revision when it's actually a kick in the teeth to women in countries where NGO provide the only health care available. It hides the awful fuckery.

Instead, it says, "All foreign NGOs will have the opportunity to receive global health assistance awards if they indicate their agreement to abide by the terms of Protecting Life in Global Health Assistance by accepting the provisions in their award." Yep, spreading freedom, one threat at a time. But at least the nutzoid fundamentalist Christians are happy and can continue with the worship of their golden calf named Trump.

By the way, you know what the doubly-pathetic part of this assertion of patriarchal power over women's bodies is? It doesn't work. In fact, the abortion rate went up in a bunch of countries during the W. Bush administration, when the gag rule was in place. Amazing, right? That preventing women from having access to contraception and pregnancy care might end up with more abortions occurring? It's almost as if facts don't matter.

Oh, right.

5/12/2017

Need a Pick-Me-Up in this Terrible Time? Here's Lynched Jefferson Davis


That statue of a white man dangling from a crane is of Jefferson Davis, who was the president of the defeated nation of racist traitors known as the Confederate States of America. For all the world, it looks like a well-deserved lynching. His monument in New Orleans used to be on the median (or "neutral ground," in New Orleans parlance) where Canal Street meets the still-stupidly-named Jefferson Davis Parkway. New Orleans is in the midst of taking down four monuments to the Confederacy because, apparently, it only takes 150 years and a few massacres to realize that celebrating the legacy of the enemies of the United States is fucking ridiculous, especially when those enemies were fighting to keep slaves and the majority of the city's citizens are African Americans. Seem kind of fucking obvious, doesn't it? Would you want to walk by a statue of someone who wanted to keep the literal rape of your ancestors legal?

The slave rapist supporters turned out, too, flying their loser flag of rapists and slaveowners and poor dumbasses who just went along with the rapists and slaveowners. Or, you know, Trump voters. Because blah, blah, blah heritage, history, and who the fuck cares. Whatever their reasons are for keeping the mounuments up, they're wrong.


As for what will be done with the statues and plaques and pedestals, for now, they will go into storage. After Davis, they'll be taking down General Beauregard and Robert E. Lee, both scumfucking pigs, no matter what "noble" justification Lee claimed to have. They might end up at a museum to contextualize them better than they are now.

But I've got an idea. Get a giant furnace on site. Melt down the statues right in front of the protesters. Then pour the liquid into cock-shaped molds. When they cool and harden, hand them out to the white supremacists, neo-Confederates, and one-toothed yahoos there and tell 'em to shove it up their assholes and go fuck themselves with it.

5/11/2017

Just Fucking Stop With the Whole "Democrats Wanted Comey Fired" Excuse

Our mad president, Donald Trump, a man who looks like he forgot his lines as Willy Loman in a community theatre production of Death of a Salesman and he's just desperately making shit up until someone gives him a cue he remembers or the curtain just comes down, keeps insisting that Democrats shouldn't be kicking up a fuss about his firing of FBI Director James Comey. Why? Because, you losers, Democrats sure wanted Comey fired for the Hillary Clinton email fuckery before the election. So, in Trump's shrinking mind, they should just shut the fuck up and be happy about Comey's sacking.

On his pathetic slow fart of a Twitter page, Trump's made no less than a half-dozen comments and taunts about Democrats' outrage over his actions. These include the fucking bizarro sight of the President of the whole goddamned United States mocking his apparent arch-nemesis Rosie O'Donnell for having tweeted in December, "Fire Comey," to which Trump replied, "We finally agree on something Rosie." Yeah, he left out the damn comma between "something" and "Rosie." Because obviously a Wharton education doesn't include basic lessons in English.


He also tweeted this classic of are-you-fucking-kidding-me playground bullying: "Cryin' Chuck Schumer stated recently, 'I do not have confidence in him (James Comey) any longer.' Then acts so indignant." Schumer did indeed say that in November. And his "cryin'" was when he choked up talking about Trump's malignant Muslim ban, so, obviously, that was worthy of endless insults. What fuckin' tool our president is.

Despite changing his story on why Comey was fired like he's changing wives, Trump is getting support from many of the usual squealing piglets of the right. The New York Post went totally up Trump's sphincter, calling Democrats' anger "typical left-wing hypocrisy." The GOP put out a video attacking Democrats for saying that Comey ought to be fired way back in 2016. Rush Limbaugh jiggled and undulated in rage, accusing Democrats of "literally being eaten alive with an irrational, raw hatred literally absorbing them." (Feel free to make your own fat joke about what Limbaugh has eaten alive and literally absorbed.)

Lemme see if I can put this in a way that even the stupidest right-winger can understand, which still would leave out Limbaugh.

Let us say, and why not, that you're a guy who has been in a relationship with another guy, call him "Jimmy," for a few years, and you've been living together for a good part of the time. It's been okay; Jimmy's a decent lay and he cleans up around the house. Mostly, you've just got so many of the same friends and same stuff that at this point, it's just too fuckin' tiring to separate all that shit out.

But let us say, and, indeed, why not, that you catch Jimmy flirting with other guys at a bar one night, and you're pretty sure that when he said he was going outside for some air, he was fucking around. You wanna break up with him. Really badly, you wanna break up. You even tell some of your good friends that you think you should end it.

You don't, though. The rent is due and you figure you'll throw Jimmy's ass out after he pays his share. So you wait, not realizing that this month your lease, with both your names on it, just renewed automatically and you're stuck for the time being. Fuck. Okay, you think, you'll break up with him when you're able to. Meanwhile, you'll just suck it up since he's started cooking and being totally great with your family.

One night, you wake up and the apartment is on fire, just burning down. And you're fucked, inhaling smoke, unable to see. But along comes Jimmy and he is fuckin' on it. He's got you, leading you away from the burning apartment and to the stairs. Yeah, the fire is on your heels, but Jimmy is there, making sure you can get away.

And then Donald Trump walks up to you guys and shoots Jimmy in the face, killing him.

"What the fuck?" you say to Donald Trump. "He was gonna save me!"

Donald Trump smirks, "You say that now, but you wanted to break up with him before." The building is an inferno. "And, oh, by the way," Trump says, "I lit the fire."

5/09/2017

The Dark Timeline Gets Darker: Brief Thoughts on the Comey Firing

Let's lay out some brief thoughts here on the fuckery that's occurred today in the firing of FBI Director James Comey by President Donald Trump.

1. Comey should have been fired by President Obama for his interference in the 2016 election. He was a completely vindictive bastard to Hillary Clinton in his letter about...oh, fuck you know all this shit. Fuck that guy. Hard.

2. The Deputy Attorney General said that Comey's dismissal was recommended because of his handling of the Clinton investigation, including his press conference announcing no charges and his statements close to the election about the emails on Huma Abedin's computer. Comey has lied his ass off since about that latter action.

3. But there is no fucking way that that is the reason that Trump fired Comey. The FBI is anal-probing the connections between the Trump campaign/administration and Russia. And if Trump gave a happy monkey fuck about Comey's handling of the Clinton email case, well, who the fuck keeps such an incompetent prick on the payroll, running a giant intelligence-gathering and law enforcement agency, for months?

4. No, fuck that. The Clinton shit is an obvious cover story. Comey was fired because he's dangerous. He's fired because Trump wants heads to put on the White House fence to threaten others. He can line up Comey's next to the noggins of Sally Yates and Preet Bharara. Trump's letter of dismissal said, in part, "I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation." Jesus, how pathetic to shiv a man while you talk about how awesome you are. How frightening that Trump seems to be discrediting anything that comes out of the FBI against him now that Comey is gone.

4a. And Trump had been ordering Jeff Sessions to find a reason to fire Comey since at least last week. These fuckin' fascists.

5. Not scared yet? We no longer have a functioning Justice Department. We don't have a Congress that will check or balance the president in even the smallest ways. We have a president who doesn't care about anything other than protecting his orange ass and centralizing all power within him and his small cadres of hellspawn and spunk monkeys. And he's gonna appoint someone from that cadre to erase the investigations so he can gallivant on with his awful presidency.

6. Yeah, fuck Comey for what he did. But fuck anyone who thinks this is okay, that it's all cool just because Trump can fire the people he's fired. And fuck us, again and again, for allowing this mongrel age to happen.

6a. Fuck us even harder if an independent investigation isn't launched on this and everything else.

7. Somewhere, the corpse of Niccolo Machiavelli is laughing its bony ass off.

8. In Hell, Richard Nixon rolled his eyes and wondered where the fuck this GOP was back in the 1970s. And then he was dipped back into the shit pit.

5/08/2017

Sally Yates Hearing: Sen. John Kennedy Is a Dumbass

If you love freedom (real freedom, not the bullshit "freedom" to die that Republicans sell) and the rule of law, you had to get hard/wet while watching former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates rip the nuts off the skeevy bunch of shitheels, inbreds, and vipers that are the GOP members of the Senate Judiciary Committee. Then she held aloft the bloody orbs and hurled them back at the squealing castrati before her. It's not like the hearing was even a fair fight, considering that Lindsey Graham, John Cornyn, and the rest brought a list of pissy outrages to a big-ass Constitution fight.

For instance, Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana, in his first year of embarrassing his pretty shameless state, thought he was making some great and mighty point about the separation of powers and Yates refusing to enforce President Trump's idiotic Muslim ban when he shot at Yates, "Who appointed you to the United States Supreme Court?" And, ha, ha, that's so awesome because, see, he's saying, if you don't know, that Yates, as Acting Attorney General, didn't have the authority to say whether or not something is unconstitutional, which, if you know a fucking thing about the role of the Attorney General, is precisely one of the things the Attorney General does, except, see, get this, mostly that advice is given before a president puts out an executive order, but, wait, it gets better, the lawyers at the White House didn't consult with Yates to see if it passed constitutional muster, got it?

Mostly, though, this educated yahoo, who must think he's smarter than any silly girls, considering how he kept interrupting Yates, and who sounds like he's wondering if anyone will find that Klan hood in his office, doesn't seem to get that the Supreme Court is the final arbiter of what is constitutional when a dispute is brought to it. The Justice Department and lawyers throughout the government make determinations on this shit all the time. It's just that an administration of unrepentant and ignorant sociopaths didn't care. And now they expect ball garglers like Kennedy to defend them.

There were other moments where Kennedy essentially pantsed himself and was too dumb to know his little dick was turtling in the breeze. He tried to pin down James Clapper, who is evil but occasionally to good effect, asking, "Have you ever leaked information, classified or unclassified, to a member of the press?"

Clapper responded, to laughter, "Well, unclassified is not leaking." He might have added, "You dipshit," and no one would have thought it was unearned. That didn't stop Kennedy from repeating his question about leaking "unclassified" information several times. So in Senator Kennedy's wee mind, if you tell a reporter something that is already on the State Department website, you're a traitorous motherfucker.

Really, Kennedy's entire presence could be summed up by something he told Yates: "I'm happy as a clown."

You can read elsewhere about how Yates utterly wrecked John Cornyn and Ted Cruz, ensuring that Texas is now represented in the Senate by eunuchs. You can read about what a slimy nuzzler of Russian assholes Michael Flynn was and how Donald Trump just couldn't be bothered to give a shit because he didn't want to learn someone else's name (why not? It's as good an explanation as any).

But for my money, Yates's calm evisceration of every argument Kennedy attempted was the most entertaining part because, unlike Ted Cruz, who knew he had been cock-punched and left before the second round of questions, Kennedy thought he could try again. And again he was pantsed. And again he just stood there, slack-jawed, drooling, ass just hanging out, too dumb to know how well it had been kicked.

5/04/2017

A Quorum of Motherfuckers: Observations on a Savage Day in DC

It's the National Day of Prayer. You got that? The Republicans in the House of Representatives passed a bill that would ultimately strip insurance from tens of millions of people and get rid of provisions that would end up harming tens of millions more. People would die if this became law and the very wealthy would get a tax break to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.

And they did it on the National Day of Prayer. It's like raping bunnies on Easter; it's like if on Easter morning, a group of pasty white Republicans grabbed cute, fluffy rabbits and raped the shit out of them. Just raped them until they were dead and used the limp bunny bodies to wipe off their dicks before tossing them aside. "Christ is risen," they'd announce. "We just fucked bunnies to death."

Although, if one of the rabbit rapists didn't have insurance and then went for treatment later for PTSD because the bunnies won't stop screaming, the bunnies won't stop screaming, well, under the American Health Care Act, that wouldn't necessarily be covered by insurance. Yeah, see, it's a pre-existing condition.

And if you think that sucks for bunny buggerers, well, fuck you, because it's way worse for rape victims. Yeah, getting raped is a pre-existing condition. Sorry, ladies, but that roofie was all the medication you're gonna get because the Koch Brothers need to pay slightly less in taxes.

We're at a point where the repellent Republicans are degrading the nation to where it is becoming unrecognizable. The policies being pursued by Donald Trump and the GOP have no purpose other than to prove some cruel point. What reason is there other than pettiness for getting rid of Michelle Obama's Let Girls Learn program and reversing some of the healthy school lunch rules? You're just being an asshole.

One of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in contemporary politics was the celebration in the Rose Garden of the House vote, with Trump ditching the Australian prime minister to preen and prance around with Republicans. It was a jolly celebration of the rule of the rich white male, like a meeting of the Old, Bloated Douches Club. And it looked exactly like this:


Who the fuck does that? Who the fuck holds a ceremony to brag about being ahead in the first quarter? If nothing passes the Senate, will they riot like a losing NCAA basketball team's fans? It's fucking embarrassing, like everything that comes out of this White House. Every day we should all just be ashamed of our country because of shit like this. The Repulsive States of Dead America.

Don't let your fucking guard down. The Senate is gonna work on its own brand of heinous fuckery. Whatever they come up with, if it actually passes, the lapdogs of the House will gobble it up like a meaty vomit. And it very well might pass because, as I've said before, they are motherfuckers. And what do motherfuckers do? They fuck mothers. They will fuck mothers every chance they get. It's right there in the word.

Congressional Democrats have a chance, as they so often do, to not fuck this up, to break out the guillotines and behead the GOP in front of a crowd. On this issue, at least, Democrats are simply better human beings. They might be shittier politicians, but they are better human beings. Now they have to step up their goddamn game and create a simple message that can be hammered into voters' skulls like the dunce-yawp of "MAGA": Do you think you or your family members or your friends or your co-workers should be able to get cancer treatment? Or should a billionaire get a few million more? Chemo or yachts?

And, as I've proposed before, Democrats should be tempting the hell out of Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and a third Republican (Ben Sasse? McCain?) to go independent to stop this blithe evil.

Republicans will screech that it's class warfare. Fuck them. They fired the first shots. They said that the poor and the sick aren't worthy of living without fear of the next illness, the next accident, the next rape. They said that compassion was for suckers and wealth triumphs over all. Then, after they gutted the Affordable Care Act, they laughed and danced like Klansman around a lynched black man. Which, if you think about it, was pretty much what they wanted to do in the first place.

Let's wreck these wretched worms and bury alive their corrupt ideology so that it suffocates on the dirt.

5/01/2017

The President Is a Pussy

It seems obvious, no? That the putative bully is actually a blithering pussy, a bumblefuck coward who must occasionally lash out at someone weak in order to maintain the illusion of his strength to those who don't want to believe that their man, their champion, is just a pathetic, crawling worm.  And Trump is that man-worm,. Evidence? Oh, shit, this is the easiest case to make since Low, et al v. Trump University. President Donald Trump is a pussy because:

-- He made all kinds of noise about all that he was going to accomplish in his first 100 days and he got just about jack shit done. In the spending compromise worked out in Congress, leaders of the House and Senate of both parties essentially told him to go fuck himself with his border wall, his Affordable Care Act defunding threats, his draconian budget cuts, and his Planned Parenthood attack.

-- He wants to buddy up to people who are real tough guys. It's the way he's been his whole life, and one of the the surest signs that someone is a pussy is they try to get cozy with bad asses and motherfuckers. A couple of decades ago, Trump was all about getting street cred by hanging with rappers. Now he's practically blowing China's Xi Jinping after pretending like he was gonna be all up in Xi's face. Trump would love to be the meat in a Duterte/Erdogan sandwich. And even Duterte, infected pustule on humanity's taint that he is, doesn't wanna be seen with Trump. Shit, you could even go back to how he palled around with mobsters. It's the oldest pussy move there is: depussification by proximity.

-- Even when he is an asshole, he's a pussy. When CBS's John Dickerson was interviewing Trump this weekend for Face the Nation (which Trump says he likes to call "Deface the Nation" because that's so fucking funny), the host asked the pussy president about the pussy president's pussy assertion that President Obama had spied on the pussy. Trump got pissy, ended the interview, and walked away. Asshole move, but then, because there is nothing Trump needs more than for people to like him, like the saddest tween on Instagram, he invited Dickerson to ride on Air Force One and have dinner with him. Trump's pathetic attempts at being tough with the media (with his incessant mewing of "fake news" to his drooling hordes) are rendered absolutely embarrassing by the contemptuous depths to which he'll go to beg for coverage. Or he just makes shit up about how awesome he is and totally not a pussy.

-- He's such a fucking idiot, genuinely dumb and genuinely incurious, that he covers up for his ignorance by pretending he's wise, which is the pussy move for people who are shit-scared of having their stupidity revealed. Only an idiot pussy pretending to be smart would say something like "People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War?" Because except for the millions of words that have been written about why there was a Civil War, he's right. No one has ever asked why there was a Civil War. Only someone as intelligent and knowledgeable as Donald Fucking Trump has wondered that in the last 150 years. (And let's not even get into how Trump doesn't know what's in his health care proposal and pretends that he does.)

You could say a lot of things about our past presidents. They were dicks, assholes, cunts, even. A few of them were evil (including that cocksucker Andrew Jackson who Trump thinks is awesome because...well, see the second point up there). But Trump might be our first pussy president, and that means that he is going to do everything he can to try to hide the fact that he's a pussy. Except, of course, others already know he's a pussy.

History is piled high with the bodies of those who had to die so someone could cover up their cowardice.

(Note on the word "pussy": Words have different meanings in different contexts. "Bullshit" means something besides "nonsense" when you're in a pen that's holding bulls. See the note here on the word "cocksucker." Also, and let's face it, "pussy" is just the kind of word Trump would understand.)

4/28/2017

100 Days of Trump: An Alternate Perspective

This week, I found myself, as I occasionally do, wandering Reno, Nevada. Reno is an odd little city, rank with the cigarette-infused sweat of benighted men and women gambling away their days, yet with development going on all over that is veering the town away from solely being Las Vegas's trashy sister. It is a mongrel town, fitting for this mongrel age we are enduring.

At a giant warehouse filled with artists and craftspeople ("makers," as we call them now), where metallurgists and carvers make giant sculptures meant for Burning Man, I met a young man in a wheelchair, almost quadriplegic - he had some small use of one hand, who painted portraits and landscapes with a brush affixed to a contraption he wore on his head, like a multi-hued unicorn's horn. They were delicate, small pieces, slightly askew in perspective but precise enough to be stunningly accurate, even if you weren't considering the artist and considering his technique.

An old man showed me the gypsy wagon he had built from scratch that he had intended to use as a camper. It was a colorful, canvas and rubber-topped tiny home, and he said he had been working on it for months. He had owned a furniture store in the South, and it burned to the ground. He didn't have enough insurance to rebuild, but he had earned enough to live on, so he retired. He and his wife didn't want to just head to Florida and call it a day. They talked about it, said they had plenty, moved to Nevada, and wanted to share.

So they opened their home as a shelter for battered women, and the old man became a minister. He noticed that the women spent a great deal of time talking about themselves when they did each other's hair and nails. So the old man, who had been a carpenter and business owner, went to cosmetology school and learned how to give pedicures. Now the women were opening up to him even more as he buffed their callouses and painted their toenails, and he felt like it made him a better minister. Oh, and he designed a cane made of PVC pipe that doubles as a flute. He'll be selling them sometime in the near future, if he doesn't give them all away first.

In the evening, I ended up at an old diner in the middle of Reno. One of the women I was with, older, white, a longtime resident of the town, had been a regular there for years, but she hadn't been to the joint in a while. When we sat down, several of the Hispanic servers and bussers came by to see her and talk to her. They talked about their families and how things had been for them, chatting like relatives who were overjoyed to reconnect. One man, stout, middle-aged told us how about his parents dying recently, within two months of each other. He had been brought to Reno over 30 years ago as a child from Mexico by his parents, and while they moved back, he stayed in Reno and loved it here. He was saddened that he hadn't been able to make it back to Mexico to see them. There was so much empathy at the table, for my friend, whose husband died a year ago, for a server, also from Mexico, who worked a second job, both full-time, 16 hour days, working harder than I ever have in my life, and was able to buy a house with his wife, another server there. As we were leaving, a couple of young white men came in, greeting the same servers like old pals.

Why am I telling you these stories from a town you'll never visit, a place you probably haven't thought of more than once or twice in your life? Why this instead of a long primal scream about how the Trump presidency has been a nonstop assault on everything that we believed was "American" for ages?

Because we live in a mean time. We are living through a coarsening of our country that will haunt us for the rest of our lives, even if this damned presidency were to end today, just 100 days in. That's the nuclear bomb that has gone off. One split second and we will suffer its corrosive effects for years.

Here, in this purplest of states (Nevada closely mirrored the popular vote and just went for Clinton), that meanness hasn't gotten to everyone, and, no, it never will, yet we know darkness when we see and feel it. But there are grace notes of light to be found along the moonless road we're on in our American night. And another way to resist is to pause to recognize the people who, despite everything they are being told, despite the growling dogs of this mongrel age threatening to devour us, find the good in each other.

Humanity isn't gone yet. Hopefully, we'll all make it the next 100 days.

4/25/2017

In Brief: Pricks and the Wall

Even though President Donald Trump has rolled over on his back and surrendered on funding for the Great Wall of Stupid on the Mexican border for now, every day, he or his adminstration or some damn surrogate is out there telling us how that wall will end illegal drug importation, human trafficking, undocumented immigration, and, hell, psoriasis. And every day, I get some yutz emailing or messaging me to tell me how full of shit I am because I don't want a wall to end the crisis of opioid addiction. Putting aside that, except for heroin, most opioids are from prescription meds, every one of these people is lying and/or dumb.

For one thing, despite the fondest wishes of Rep. Steve King, drugs ain't getting into the United States strapped to the luscious cantaloupe calves of immigrants. Here's how it happens, according to a 2015 report from the DEA: "Mexican criminal networks 'transport the bulk of their goods over the Southwest Border through ports of entry (POEs) using passenger vehicles or tractor trailers.' In passenger vehicles, the drugs may be held in secret compartments; while in tractor trailers, the drugs are often comingled with other legitimate goods. Less commonly used methods to move drugs include smuggling them through crossborder underground tunnels and on commercial cargo trains, small boats, and ultralight aircraft."

You got it? The drugs come in by vehicles through the goddamn border wall that's already there. More wall ain't gonna stop that. Or drones. Or tunnels. Or boats. Walls don't work that way. Say it together: The wall won't do shit to stop drugs. It's not even worth a talking point.

And while a big wall might slow human trafficking for at least a brief period, one thing is for damn sure, and that's that Trump's deportation policies are hurting the effort to stop human trafficking. Yeah, if you might be deported for going to the cops to report on sex slaves in your neighborhood, you'll probably stay silent so you're not ripped away from your family with a hearty "thanks" from the United States government.

In his ad for Trump steaks, the future president promised, "Believe me, I understand steaks." The ad shows a number of the beef slabs, and, when they're cut open, they are inevitably medium rare. Not a single steak is shown well-done, which is how Trump is said to prefer his steak, because if he did show them that way, all grey and dry, no one would trust the person flogging the steaks.

Trump's dishonesty is part and parcel of his pitchman patter. If he's gonna build a wall, then that motherfucker is gonna be the wall of your dreams, man. Not a boondoggle of epic proportions. And Trump's gonna build it because he is one egotistical dickhead. About the Trump Taj Mahal, he said, "Nobody thought it could be built. That was the biggest risk - just getting it built. But I love proving people wrong." Yeah, he got to say it got off the ground, but so did the makers of the Hindenburg.

4/24/2017

Trump's AP Interview: Are We Still Entertained?

Since we are damned to live through this time in our history, that means that we are damned to regular interviews with President Donald Trump where we get a view of undiluted derangement that'd make Charles Manson say, "Damn, that motherfucker's scary crazy." And since I am damned to run a political blog, that means I am damned to read those interviews and react to them.

In his most recent extensive comments, Trump talked to Julie Pace of the Associated Press about his first 100 days or something. You can't really tell because Trump's ablity to talk in depth about anything is roughly equivalent to a brain damaged dalmatian's ability to fetch.

Here's a rough detailing of what I was thinking as I read the entire soul-crushing interview:

"Can't you speak in regular sentences, you fucking dumb douche? No, no, no, Angela Merkel thinks you're a goddamned baby. She's not your pal now. Lie. Lie. Lie. Oh, fuck you, the Chinese give a shit about you. You're talking about the planes still? Nothing new to mention, huh, sparky? You know, you don't have to shit on Obama every time you wanna make some stupid point. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're offering a Coke? What are you, 12? Grown-ups drink coffee, asshole. Wait, what? China didn't change shit for you. You just bitched out on confronting Xi. Fuck you. Fuck. You. No, fuck you. Oh, really, you spunk monkey, you didn't realize how big the government was? Oh, good to know that you were heartless in your business dealings. Oh, my god, I hate you. I haaaate you. Fuck how long is this? (Scroll, scroll, scroll) Son of a bitch. (Scrolls back. Big sigh.) I think I'm getting dumber reading this. Fuck, this prick is pathetic. Really, man? You're talking about the election again? It's because Melania still won't fuck you anymore, isn't it? Oh, great, we're gonna build a cheap, shitty wall. Well, at least it'll be easy to fucking dynamite once you're arrested. Fuck you. Fuuuuck you. I wouldn't let Jeff Sessions lick my scrotum. Really? You're attacking Hillary Clinton again? Goddamnit, Godzilla, you beat Mothra. Deal with it. You're a shitty human being, man. A shitty, shitty human being. I'm thirsty. I miss R.E.M. pretty much every day. Oh, c'mon, you totally watched something on Tucker Carlson or some other Fox show about MS-13. You're too fucking dumb to know anything the TV men don't tell you. 'Single best speech ever made' to Congress? Dude. You're not selling shitty steaks here. Blah. Blah. Blahhhhhh. You don't have any fuckin' plan for ISIS so shut the fuck up. The election? Again? Someone should give you a cattle prod to the nuts every time you mention the election. Jesus, I'd rather felch a porcupine than read anymore of this. No, Elijah Cummings is not your new boyfriend. Put your dick away. Wait, what? Highest ratings 'since the World Trade Center came down'? That's some evil shit right there. Boo-hoo, the media was mean to me. Maybe Ivanka will let you suckle for a while to make you feel better."

Honestly, this ain't funny anymore. The goddamn president is a woefully misinformed unrepentant liar who is obsessed with his popularity. Look at this quote about his stupid fucking wall: "People want the border wall. My base definitely wants the border wall, my base really wants it — you've been to many of the rallies. OK, the thing they want more than anything is the wall. My base, which is a big base..." Then he veered off into his election. But what is that? He's building the wall to pander to his base. That's the first reason he gives, before immigration or drugs. His idiot hordes were promised a wall and, goddamnit, he is gonna get them a wall.

Everything Trump believes he's getting jacked into his puny brain directly from Fox or Breitbart. For instance, Fox "news" is obsessed with the Latino gang MS-13, perhaps as a way of diverting attention from the fact that most domestic terrorism is commited by right-wing extremists.

And shit he doesn't know, he just makes up. No one with even a cursory knowledge of history would ever say, as Trump did, "You know, back when they did NATO there was no such thing as terrorism." He asserted, confidently and without any hedging, that there was no terrorism prior to 1949, when NATO was created. So the IRA, the Black Hand, Palestinian groups, Algerian groups, and a shit-ton of African groups don't count? Not only was there terrorism, there was terrorism over the very issues that there is terrorism now. And this is not to get into the terrorism in the United States from anarchist groups and in unionization battles. Or, you know, the KKK and other white supremacist groups. But if you point that out, Trump's people would say that, of course, he meant ISIS or al-Qaeda. Except he could have said that and he didn't. He just doesn't fucking know.

That's the not-funny part. He doesn't know. He doesn't care to know. He prefers his own world. He prefers his madness to reality, like every madman.

4/21/2017

Okay, Fine, Let's Make a Deal on the Fuckin' Wall

So yesterday, skeevy fart huffer Mick Mulvaney, the White House Budget director, said that Donald Trump would be willing to negotiate on the next "oh, holy fuck, are we going through this again" make-or-shutdown budget bill. Yeah, he won't let the government run out of money if Democrats will fund his bullshit wall on the border of Mexico. Oh, and he might not starve Obamacare to death and laugh while the peons scramble to get insurance.

Look, anyone who knows anything about the construction of this mythical "big, beautiful wall" understands that it'll be a huge boondoggle, one that'll cost metric shit-tons of money while doing dick to actually change the number of undocumented immigrants in the United States. At this point, even a big majority of Texans oppose the wall because, among other things, it'll fuck up a lot of people's property. The whole effort is a waste of time, energy, and money.

But you know what? Fuck it. Just for shits and giggles, let's flip the script on the wall. Trump wants to deal so he can say to his idiot hordes, "Look, I make wall." So let's fuckin' deal.

Democrats should see the wall as a chance for a major jobs program. Yeah, they're bullshit jobs because the project is bullshit. But they're jobs. Democrats oughta make a big deal about how only Americans or immigrants with the right visas can be hired to build the wall. They should demand a living wage, maybe even the right to unionize (although that won't fly, but it's a bargaining chip. Remember, we're negotiating with a master deal maker here [I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my nasal cavity]). Oh, and they get health insurance. These are all the requirements for the contractors, subcontractors, and subsubsubcontractors who will be getting that sweet federal funding. You want America first, motherfucker? Just what do you mean by that?

So Trump gets to pretend that his wall will be built. Lookie there. Winning (even though Mexico won't be paying for it, shhhh).

But Democrats should also get one more thing from Trump: back the fuck off the Affordable Care Act unless you have a replacement that will cover the same people without loss of benefits. No more garbage deals with the savage sphincter beasts of the Freedom Caucus. No more threats on holding back cost-sharing funds that keep it stable. You get the wall and you walk away from Obamacare until you have some actual goddamn plan.

The beautiful part of this whole fantasy is that not only will Republicans never come up with a rational replacement plan, but the fuckin' wall is never gonna be built. Or, if it is, it'll take years and have massive cost overruns and, meanwhile, it is a government-run jobs program of the size of a New Deal project. Oh, and, hey, won't we need some infrastructure spending to make sure we can transport all that American steel easily?

What do you say, Donny-Don-Donald? Art of the pussy-grabbin' deal right there.

Of course, if this deal were even possible, you can't trust Trump or the Republicans. They'll say they won't fuck your sister and then you'll walk in on them balls deep in her ass. They don't keep their word, and Trump is the fuckin' worst about that.

In fact, even in talking about wanting the wall built, Mulvaney had the hypocritical balls to say, "If [Democrats] tell us to pound sand, I think that’s probably a disappointing indicator of where the next four years is going to go. If they tell us, however, that they recognize that President Trump won an election, and he should get some of his priorities funded for that reason, elections have consequences, as folks who win always like to say."

Someone's gonna have to tell Barack Obama all about those consequences some day.

4/20/2017

In Brief: Dumb Shits Saying Shit That's Dumb (Jeff Sessions Edition)

Sexually-repressed leprechaun Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General of the whole United States, declared today that he'd be dead in the cold, cold ground before he recognized Hawaii : "I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and Constitutional power."

So a member of the judiciary in an American state is essentially being told he's like a bone-wearing warlord in an atoll off Fiji.

Can someone take one for the team and give Jeff Sessions a blow job? I mean, take that tired old turkey wattle dick and go to town with your mouth. Make that tight-assed racist Beanie Baby call for Jesus before he sees God.

Suck him off to sanity. For patriotism.

4/17/2017

White People Still Love Trump Even as He Bumblefucks Through the Presidency

It's now become a seemingly weekly exercise in the New York Times (motto: "Yeah, we hired a climate change denialist and fuck you for criticizing us for it"): an article checking in on some group of people or community that supported Donald Trump in the presidential election of 2016. This time around in our Jane-Goodall-among-the-apes tour of shitty parts of America, we're in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, in a district that Trump won by only two-tenths of a point to see what those goddamned yokels and exurbanites think about the job President Trump is doing.

This exercise is akin to asking a chronic masturbator why he keeps jacking off. "Look at you," you can say to this compulsive onanist, "your dick is scabby and chafed, you can barely even get hard anymore, let alone ejaculate, and you're so sick of porn that it takes near-death strangle sex videos to interest you at all. You're exhausted, your friends have abandoned you, your place stinks of cum, and, c'mon, man, take a shower. Why do you keep doing it?" Of course, the wanker is gonna tell you, "Because it feels so good" even though all evidence points to the exact opposite.

So we're off to Eastern Pennsylvania to see what some white people think of Trump in a swing district. And guess what? "Many still trust him, but wonder why his deal-making instincts do not seem to be translating. They admire his zeal, but are occasionally baffled by his tweets. They insist he will be fine, but suggest gently that maybe Vice President Mike Pence should assume a more expansive role." They have their doubts, but they stand by their decision. And they're sure that Trump himself isn't solely to blame for his lack of "winning." Said one fucking idiot, "“It’s really disheartening what they’re putting him through." Yes, it's a shame that "they" demand a president act like a goddamned president and not a king.

The article by Matt Flegenheimer goes out of its way to be fairer than the usual dumbass-whites-love-Trump pieces. He includes people who oppose Trump, and he does show Trump voters who seem like they are edging towards enlightenment, although they all stop just short of regret. But even this is disingenuous because, according to polls, those dumbass whites who voted for Trump fuckin' love the guy like it was still the heady summer of 2016 when the chant of "Lock her up" was the howler monkey yawp of the damned.

Yeah, white people give him a 50% approval rating, with white men coming in at 56% approving (and white women at a disheartening 46%). Shit, 78% of white people who consider themselves the mythical "moderate Republicans" approve of Trump's job performance.

And of course it's whites. Generally middle-income, lower-educated whites, but white people. And that's because of the, yeah, you know it, racism. Say it all together because it's statistically demonstrable: Lots of white people voted for Trump because of his promises to harm people of other races. It wasn't economic anxiety. It wasn't anti-establishment. It was racism.

So every time you do an article about Trump voters and how their feeling about the president, you're pretty much validating that racism. It's more or less "Hey, let's check out what a bunch of people who are stupider than shit and hate Muslims and Hispanics and blacks think of the idiot asshole they elected and pretend that their gutter-level ignorance is hard-scrabble wisdom." Move to another area of the country and repeat.

I can't figure out why it's so fucking important for the Times to figure out what this demographic of the dumb believe about Trump. The filthy masses won't ever love the big city elites. And if you're hoping to get the scoop on some shift in attitudes, well, it ain't gonna happen in the first 100 days. Or ever for most of his voters.

This is a kind of religion. It doesn't have a rational basis. It is all faith built upon lies. The faithful will not tell you their god is false, even if you show them his many heresies.

4/13/2017

Mitch McConnell Can't Be Bothered with Truth

Lemme get a little something off the ol' hairy chest here before we head into our weekend celebration of public execution and zombification. Last week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch "Dewlap" McConnell penned an opinion piece for the Washington Post, and it was, without a doubt, one of the most mendacious, self-justifying piss dribbles you could conceive of.

Titled "Democrats reap what they have sown," McConnell might as well have started with "Suck on my Gorsuch, libtards." The Kentucky Republican sought to lay the battle over Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch's confirmation at the feet of Democrats. He called the filibuster of Gorsuch "another extreme escalation in Democrats’ decades-long drive to transform judicial confirmations from constructive debates over qualifications into raw ideological struggles." And he brings up the usual suspects, like Robert Bork, who, he doesn't mention, got a full hearing and Senate vote. That's just garden variety fuckery.

But then he tried to forget about history. "In 2003, when President George W. Bush was nominating judges, Democrats pioneered the idea of using routine filibusters to stop them," McConnell asserts. While Republicans didn't use the filibuster when Bill Clinton was presidency, they were total dickheads when it came to judges. Yeah, there were 20 seats on the federal appellate bench open during Clinton's two-terms. He nominated 24 men and women. The Senate ended up approving just 4, leaving the rest for George W. Bush to fill (and he did with 14 of them). 42 federal district judge's seats were empty when Clinton came into office. He nominated 45 people who weren't approved, most of whom didn't even make it out of committee. Eventually, he got 17 others through the Senate, but Bush got to fill another 24 judgeships.

In other words, skeevy lying fuck Mitch McConnell wants to blame Democrats but he can't stand the sight of himself in the mirror (and who can blame him?). McConnell is the kind of guy who laughs about using liberal tears as lube when he jacks off to cat anus porn, and when he discovers that salty water doesn't make for good lube, he pretends like it's awesome that he's just chafing his dick.

By the way, you know what doesn't appear once in the editorial? The name "Merrick Garland." For that alone, McConnell's scribbles oughta just be used as hobo toilet paper.

4/12/2017

Eating Cake in a Time of Madness

One thing is for sure: Donald Trump ate some awesome chocolate cake while dining with the president of China as Tomahawk missiles were uselessly blowing up around an airfield in Syria. In an interview with Maria Bartiromo of Fox Business (motto: "A few thousand shut-ins think they get stock advice here"), Trump praised that motherfucking cake, saying of the attack, "We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it."

To be fair, Bartiromo had asked if the bombing happened after dessert. And, to be even fairer, it sounded like some great friggin' cake. According to the menu for the evening, President Xi Jinping and Trump had "Chocolate cake with vanilla sauce and dark chocolate sorbet" at the golden dining room in Trump's golden castle, Mar-a-Lago. That goddamn cake was so good that Xi was stuffing his face with it when he got the news from Trump. Said our president, "I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent."

Yeah, if Trump did tell Xi he had just lobbed missiles at Iraq, that likely made Xi decide, "I can stop eating cake and say, 'You mean, Syria, right?' or I can just keep eating cake. Yeah, I'm gonna just shut the fuck up and keep eating this chocolatey bitch right here." Except in Chinese.

Every time Trump opens his mouth, it becomes soul-suckingly apparent that he's crazier than a shithouse rat. Whether it's the blithe racism ("everything is very orderly with the Chinese, frankly") or the weird insistence on repeating the same words over and over (everytime he mentions "Obamacare," he has to say that it's "failing"), he's probably suffering from dementia. It is not just the elephant in the room; it is a goddamned herd. And, really, it's the easiest explanation for his constantly changing positions.

Then there's his unending insistence that things that are objectively false are true, like the fact that the departments of the executive branch are understaffed by, as Trump said, "Hundreds and hundreds of people. And then they'll say, why isn't Trump doing this faster?" Good question, and Trump, who simply hasn't nominated people for these positions, says, "You can't do it faster, because they're obstructing. They're obstructionists." Presumably, that means Democrats, but, really, who the fuck knows? I'm pretty sure he doesn't even fucking know. That's because he's barking mad and proudly ignorant.

At today's press conference with the NATO Secretary General, Trump lumbered to the lectern like a wounded yeti, blithered out some barely comprehensible statement that he was forced to make, and stood there like a decaying, overstuffed Spitting Image puppet that was tossed out for being too grotesque. Once again in the presence of a leader of a country or group that he had harshly criticized before, Trump bitched out, as he had with Angela Merkel, Enrique Pena Nieto, and others. Hell, after saying that China was a bunch of shitheels who manipulated currency and were killing us with trade and raping our corpses, he gave that nation's president beautiful goddamn chocolate cake.

Not only was he jolly as hell about NATO, Trump declared, in that voice that sounds like a combination of boredom, irritation, Xanax, and a minor stroke, that NATO "is no longer obsolete" because "something, something, terrorism, Trump, Trump, Trump, can I have more cake?" or words to that effect.

Like in the interview, the only way Trump's words make sense is if you accept that he's deep into mental illness or dementia, perhaps Alzheimer's, or he's legitimately dumb, as in mentally handicapped, or, perhaps, some malevolent combination of all of it. Asked if European nations should fear Russia, Trump said, and you gotta read this in full, " I want to just start by saying hopefully they're going to have to fear nothing, ultimately. Right now there is a fear and there are problems, certainly problems, but ultimately I hope there won't be a fear and won't be problems and the world can get along. That would be the ideal situation. It's crazy what's going on, whether it's the Middle East or you look at no matter where, the Ukraine, you look at -- whatever you look at, it's got problems. So many problems. And ultimately, I believe that we are going to get rid of most of those problems and there won't be fear of anybody. That's the way it should be."

That's someone who is utterly lost, who has no sense of what he's actually talking about, and who has never been told, "Donald, bubby, you're all kinds of fucked up and no one should fuckin' listen to you." And it should scare the living shit out of us. Are we gonna bomb something every time Trump sees dying babies? Holy shit, don't show him those UNICEF ads. He'll bomb Alyssa Milano, and we're preciously low on those.

Maybe you're not frightened enough. Maybe you're thinking, "Oh, come on. He's all over the place. Geniuses are like that." First off, I wanna punch you right in your strawman groin. Instead, though, read where Trump went when talking about wiretapping with Bartiromo. After insisting that he put wiretapping in quotation marks because it's "old-fashioned," Trump observed, "You don't have a lot of wires. Look at this room. This room used to have a lot of wires. Now it doesn't have so many wires."

This crazy motherfucker oughta be at home with a blanket on his lap, giving orders on how hot his soup should be, wondering when he's gonna get some more cake.

4/10/2017

Stupid Fucking Republicans (No, Literally)

Tempting as it is to go after serial phone masturbator Bill O'Reilly (Has that ever worked in the history of ever? Has a guy ever called a woman and started jacking off and this woman, who never expressed any interest in him, said, "Holy shit, that's hot. Save some of that jizz for me"?), it's way more interesting to talk about the fucking of elected Republicans. Why? Because even though the leader of their party is a sexually-assaulting multiple adulterer who has appeared in porn, it's still pretty much an article of political faith that Republicans are the party of family values and Democrats are sexually-ravenous gay drug addicts.

So it's just funner than hell to point out that, aside from a Weiner or two, Republicans, who, for the most part, have no problem telling the rest of us what kind of sexy time we can have with consenting adults, have been far, far stupider in their fucking because of this very hypocrisy. It's not just like shooting fish in a barrel. It's like grenading the barrel and saying, "Damn, that was an easy way to get some fish."

For instance, here's a shot from a 2010 gubernatorial campaign ad:


That's Alabama Governor (now "ex-governor") Robert Bentley, a Republican, from his commercial titled "A Man's Word," telling Alabamans that he will always keep his, well, his word. Except, of course, when it comes to his wife. Apparently, Bentley's desire to stick his dick into the pussy, mouth, and possibly the ass of his one-time aide, Rebekah Mason, was far, far more important than his "word." And not just his word to his wife, but to the people of his state because Bentley was arrested today, pled guilty to two misdemeanors, and resigned from office. Yeah, in order to facilitate the placement of his dick in Mason, Bentley misused state funds and threatened people by using cops to coerce their silence.

For real fun, watch Bentley give a speech on "Faith, Family, and Jobs." For even bigger fun, read Bentley's statement condemning the Supreme Court's same-sex marriage decision. In it, Bentley declared, "I have always believed in the Biblical definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman" while he was in the midst of fucking a woman who was not his wife. In other words, more than one woman, right, Bob?

Side note: Bentley made a big damn deal in that "Word" ad about releasing his taxes and pledging to do so for every year he was in office. But, like most of his principles, he could toss that aside like a condom fresh out of his mistress's asshole. Evidence? Enjoy:


Meanwhile, over in Oklahoma, a married, anti-LGBT rights state senator, Ralph Shortey, was arrested for fucking an underage male teenage prostitute at a Super 8 Motel on the I-35 Service Road. The only way this could get sleazier is if it somehow involved a church, and, in fact, it does involve a church because one of the things Shortey was charged with was "Engaging in prostitution within 1000 feet of a church." That shouldn't really be an extra crime, but it's ironic because that's the kind of nonsensically cruel  bill that Ralph Shortey would have totally supported as a state senator. Hell, the motel room stunk of marijuana, and Shortey supported a bill to increase penalties for drug possession within...wait for it...1000 feet of a church.

So, yes, the Super 8 off I-35 in Norman, Oklahoma, is within 1000 feet as the crow flies of the Memorial Presbyterian Church.

By the way, Shortey wasn't just your garden variety ultra-right-wing spoogerag. He was a bugfuck crazy one. Yeah, in 2012, he sponsored a bill to prohibit "the manufacture or sale of food or products which use aborted human fetuses." That's a piss sauce of stupid on a big plate of bullshit. Somehow, though, not as bad as fucking underage prostitutes.

4/07/2017

If We're Gonna Be the Cops, Then Let's Do Something About South Sudan

And here we go again, looking at an atrocity, the gassing of civilians in Syria by the government of Bashar al-Assad, wondering what the hell to do. President Donald Trump saw the photos of parents holding dead children, and, probably with a weeping Ivanka imploring Daddy to take action, he cast aside everything he had ever said about intervention in foreign conflicts, everything he had ever tweeted against President Obama attacking Syria in 2013, and went with his irrational gut to order dozens of missiles be hurled into an airfield that supposedly had more chemical weapons.

Speaking from his golden castle in Florida, the president, who had previously asserted that Syrian refugees, including drowned toddlers, were likely terrorists who should be "fighting to save Syria" and wanted to bar their entry to the United States, now proclaimed, "Even beautiful babies were cruelly murdered in this very barbaric attack. No child of God should ever suffer such horror." He ended his brief remarks with "we hope that as long as America stands for justice, then peace and harmony will, in the end, prevail."

It is worth noting that the hawks who now support Trump's actions against the Assad regime after a chemical weapons attack that killed around 70 civilians were completely opposed to any similar military response by President Obama after a chemical weapons attack that killed around 1000 people in 2013. It's also worth nothing that Trump made no pledge to take in more refugees.

But, hell, if we do stand for that Superman stuff, truth, justice, the American way, then maybe we should pay a little attention to another enormous humanitarian crisis and impending genocide in South Sudan. Yeah, there have been a bunch of massacres there, along with extensive famine and hundreds of thousands of refugees. In fact, a patch of land in Uganda is now the largest refugee camp in the world. And, like in Syria, the South Sudanese military is attacking the country's civilians.

If you get a war boner for bombing Syria, then you should be all over intervening in South Sudan. It's a three-year old civil war. It's a breeding ground for terrorist groups either in the country or in the neighborhood. And there are children who are being abused and slaughtered. In fact, 86% of the refugees are women and children. You may think it's unfair to compare the situations. But it's pretty clear that, in terms of the recent horrors, South Sudan beats Syria in just about every way.

C'mon, lefties and righties who are expressing their gratitude for Trump's actions. You wanna be the cops? Then let's be the damn cops. Step the fuck up or shut the fuck up.

4/06/2017

This Stupid Fuckin' President

In his recent interview with the New York Times (motto: "All the news that's fit to attack Hillary Clinton and anyone associated with her"), President Donald Trump, a man who lives with the creeping suspicion that everyone is a spy, asserted repeatedly that he "knows" various and sundry things:

- Serial masturbator Bill O'Reilly ("I think he’s a person I know well.")

- People, including criminals, in New York real estate, which, he informs us, he did "great" in ("I know all the developers. I know all of the folks. I know the good ones and the bad ones.")

- Public transportation ("I know the subway system very well. I used to take it to Kew-Forest School, in Forest Hills, when I lived in Queens. And I’d take the subway to school. Seems a long time ago--" Yeah, that was about 60 years ago. Subway's changed a bit.)

- Um, the world? ("I’ve traveled the world, I know the world.")

He will also take any opportunity to remind us that he won. Did you know that? Did you fucking know that he won? Yeah, he did: "You know, winning the Electoral College is, for a Republican, is close to impossible and I won it quite easily." (Trump, along with Eisenhower, Eisenhower, Nixon, Nixon, Reagan, Reagan, Bush, Bush*, and Bush, are Republicans who have won 10 of the last 17 presidential elections. So, you know, put aside history, facts, numbers, and being totally wrong, and Trump is totally right.)

On he went, decrying the infrastructure in places that he "won by massive [amounts]" and proclaiming of the House Freedom Caucus, "I won their districts, some of them, by 48 percent, 42 percent, 45 percent."

Goddamn, you know what's worse than being led by a stupid, evil man? Being led by an evil man who is so stupid that he doesn't realize that he's stupid or evil. Don't believe it? Here ya go:

Trump claimed that Representative Elijah Cummings, a Democrat who is a member of the Congressional Black Caucus, said to him, "You will go down as one of the great presidents in the history of our country." Anyone who read that knew instantly that it was a damned lie. But, even worse, it was a demonstration of just how pathetically myopic Trump's ego forces him to view the world.

Because Cummings actually said that "he could be a great president if...IF...he takes steps to truly represent all Americans rather than continuing on the divisive and harmful path he is currently on."

But the nude Ivanka angels in Trump's head just sang sweetly to him that he was a great man before rubbing their tits his face.